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July 26, 2004

Trevor Wins Big Brother 2004

I guess I should start this post off by congratulating Trevor on his win. Well done also to Bree for scrambling to second place when very few people thought she had it in her… well, mostly me but from what I can gather around the traps, other people shared my suspicion.

However, my final Big Brother show round up will be less focused on the actual housemates involved in the last eviction and more to do with what a terrible bloody show it was.

Everything that could be buggered up was buggered up. Every opportunity to deflate excitement and tension was taken advantage of. Basically, in a single two hour episode, Kris Noble managed to trash the Big Brother Australian franchise beyond recognition.

I’ll spare you the tedious details regarding the Best Dressed At Eviction competition. I’ll save you from hearing about Aphrodite’s charming line of wannabe J-Lo hooker-wear, Catherine’s new hair colour, Elle’s baby voice and Gretel’s all round surliness.

Actually, I will delve into Gretel’s surliness momentarily, only to say that I completely understand it - from what I can tell, around half way into this year’s production she realised she had attached herself to a sinking ship and this realisation has been a thorn in her side, irritating her into bouts of stroppiness ever since.

My first problem with tonight’s show - allowing relatives into the house before the winner had been announced. There goes any anticipation and joy at seeing family by the time either housemate gets on stage. The Big Brother Final Eviction Balloon Of Excitement™ began to deflate.

Then for no explicable reason at all, Gretel announced that both housemates may now join her on stage. What? No final eviction? No nerves on the couch, anxiously waiting the results?

Bree and Trevor both arrived on the eviction stage, and got to see all the screaming fans - without actually knowing whether they were a winner or a runner up. Less soaking in the atmosphere, more mild trepidation at what was to come. Family were greeted yet again, but since Trevor and Bree had seen them just half an hour earlier there really wasn’t much cause for excitement.

Gretel adopted her school marm attitude and forced Bree & Trevor onto the couch - after all, they had an eviction coming up so there was no time to… oh, I don’t know… allow them to revel in the excitement of the crowd? The Big Brother Final Eviction Balloon Of Excitement™ continued to lose air rapidly.

On with a video wrap up of each finalists time in the house. Because we wouldn’t want to do that individually to give them closure or anything, no sir. More rabbiting on by Gretel, the Big Brother questions, and a shameless plug for Mitsubishi in the form of announcing the runner ups prize.

Weeeeeeoooouuuuuuuussshhhhheeeeeeeiiiiiiishhhhh. Hear that? More air wheezing from the now slightly flabby Big Brother Final Eviction Balloon Of Excitement™

Finally - the announcement. The winner of Big Brother 2004 is… Trevor! Bree, here’s the key to your car - now piss off. Wouldn’t it have been nice to have had the two discovering the winner while still in the house? Bree could have made her way to the eviction stage, had the crowd cheering for her, and had her moment to shine. Trevor could have contemplated the fact he’d won a million dollars for half an hour (excitement, nerves and happiness building up inside) before doing the time-honoured walk from the house to the eviction stage where he’d be reunited with his loved ones, and able to prance around on stage enjoying every moment of his victory. As mentioned earlier though, Kris Noble obviously decided ending Big Brother 2004 on a fantastic note would go against the theme of the series.

Trevor was joined onstage by girlfriend Breea, but his mother is ambushed by an aggressive Gretel (seemingly influenced in the art of defence from watching the weekend’s rugby union match between South Africa and New Zealand). “Christ almighty Gretel,” I thought “surely you can allow his mother onstage even if it does break with your time line of events!”

Luckily Gretel actually had a reason for blocking Trevor’s mum’s journey to her son - Trevor had something to announce, Survivor style. That’s right - he asked Breea to marry him! Awwww etc… Naturally she said yes, and the world breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

The rest of the housemates joined Trevor on stage, and with that Gretel declared Big Brother 2004 officially ov-uh. Nothing against Trevor, but by this stage, the Big Brother Final Eviction Balloon Of Excitement™ was a crumpled mess on the floor.

Once again, congratulations to Trevor, Bree and the rest of the housemates (especially those who weren’t utter wankers). Gretel - travel down to the Central Coast, shag your toyboy rotten, and spend the next few months doing Graxon photo shoots with Women’s Weekly. My final message?

It’s time to go… Kris Noble…