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July 25, 2004

Sunday News Wrap

I’ll try and keep things brief, shall I? Let’s rock’n’roll!

Hilarious times in the South… Ashley Judd’s mother spoke up in a Nashville movie theatre after her daughters latest movie stalled due to a “projector malfunction”. Naomi Judd decided to lighten the mood and announced loudly “I’m Ashley Judd’s mother, and Ashley would not approve of this” much to the amusement of the crowd.

It’s John Howard’s birthday tomorrow and he’s turning the big 6-5. Prime Minister, ausculture.com hope you get everything your heart desires - especially if your heart desires fucking off out of Australian politics and never inflicting your close-minded, antiquated ways on the public ever again. Mwah xxx

An Italian granny’s enslavement by the renowned gambling monster Gamblor has led to her arrest. Vittoria Benetti began drugging and robbing victims for ages in order to feed her gambling habit.

Foiled Odd Couple Alert! Nicole Kidman has revealed to Hello Magazine that she turned down Michael Jackson’s offer of a date to the MTV Movie Awards. “Our Nic” explains that while she was flattered, she kept “thinking of those ridiculous photographs of Michael in a shocking wig at Disneyland, so call me crazy but it just didn’t tempt me to want to accept.” I doubt anyone would question your sanity, Nicole - at least, regarding Michael Jackson.

Boyzone’s Shane Ritchie (brother to the B*witched girls, for those of you not in the know) has revealed that during his popstar years, he was plagued by visits from demonic forces. In a bizarre coincidence, hapless radio listeners were also plagued by demonic forces in the nineties, taking form in songs such as “No Matter What” and “Father and Son”. Random Boyzone Fact! Ronan apparently has an absolutely massive whanger!

The NRL is reportedly worried by Matthew Johns’ alter ego Reg Reagan’s new autobiography “This Is My Life”. Apparently there is some concern that Reg’s beer swilling, fight-craving antics will bring the good name of the NRL into disrepute. After all, the NRL has a history of gang rape, dodgy financial dealings and poo-smearing-on-hotel-walls to protect.

Paris Hilton and Nick Carter have broken up. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I actually think Paris Hilton might have been too good for him. If there’s anything worse than materialistic Beverly Hills rich girls, it’s middle class white boys pretending to be “gangstas”. I accidentally flicked onto Nick Carter being interviewed once and it was a terrible blur of “dawgs” and other such rubbish. Someone should remind him he’s a Backstreet Boy and not actually part of D12.

Finally - Dustin Hoffman and wife Lisa emerged as heroes after saving the life of a woman who’d been stung by a bee outside their Malibu beach house. Bring on more life saving celebrities, says ausculture.com!