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July 19, 2004

British hacks feast on corpulent Britney

The ravenous British tabloids aren’t done feeding on Britney, it would seem. Last week, News Of The World published an article detailing her shagging exploits with not-actually-an-ex-but-annulled-hubby Jason Alexander. This week, we’re informed that Britney is fat. Fat, fat, fat! Positively corpulent and pimply to boot - how does she sleep at night?

THEY call her the Princess Of Pop, the blonde babe whose sexy videos are as memorable as her catchy singles. But just four months before her wedding, Britney Spears’ drop-dead gorgeous looks seem to have, well, dropped dead. At 22, her face is riddled with spots. Once sleek and chiselled, she now has a double chin and wrinkles. Onlookers were also horrified to see once pert Britney bra-less and droopy as she strolled in Los Angeles.

Ah yes, I forgot to mention, her tits are saggy too. Has she no shame? Won’t somebody think of the children?

I always get conflicted when I read stories of celebrities looking shite. The horrible side of me revels in it. I like seeing Cameron Diaz’s acne. I marvel with glee at Alicia Keys’ chest hair. Seeing those with money and fame and talent looking like crap makes me feel better about myself. I can be a horrible person, I must admit it.

The other side of me though (the angelic, kind and gentle side - generally repressed thoughout day to day life) feels nothing but contempt for the “journalists” who churn out such trashy rubbish. Who cares if she’s a little more voluptuous than usual? So what if she has a few pimples? If I ever win a truckload of money on a game show (and it is on my list of things to do, believe me) I plan on offering a bounty for the most unflattering photos of Victoria Newton and other such “journalists” and I will publish them accompanied with as many terrible puns and put-downs my frazzled mind can come up with.

Update: Popculturejunkies.com have this photo of Britney’s behind for those of you with enough morbid curiosity to have a look.