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May 14, 2004

Sedate Rock - An Epidemic

ausculture.com makes the following plea to musicians everywhere - put an end to Sedate Rock!

You know what I’m talking about. The kind of rock music that puts you in a coma, it’s so innocuous. Now, it’s not bad per se, it probably makes quite pleasant background music, and it might even come with decent lyrics, who knows? It could very well be performed by an artist with credibility coming out his or her arse. However, it’s the inoffensiveness of the tune that actually offends me. Where’s the limb? Why aren’t you out on it?

Sedate Rock has insidiously spread itself across the globe with the ferocity and strength of a particularly bad strain of herpes. But who exactly is behind it, and what’s caused the outbreak?

Two things spring to mind straight away - surfers, and Dido.

Dido is the driving force behind Sedate Rock’s cousin which is even more horrible in the eyes of some - Sedate Pop. Thirty-something mothers and sensitive new age men went out in droves to purchase Dido’s brand of sleep-inducing pop, thrusting both her albums “No Angel” and “Life For Rent” to the top of the charts. Her collaboration with naughty rapper Eminem gave her credibility in the eyes of those with none. “But of course she’s cool and hip! She sang with that rapper bloke who says naughty words! It doesn’t GET much more street than that!” Did it matter to the gazillions out there who purchased the album that she sounds like a cat in labour as she whinges about one thing after another? Well, of course not. They barely listened, just played it in the back ground of their dinner parties. They then purchased Norah Jones’ “Come Away With Me” so they could tell people how into jazz they were. It is many of these wannabe-hip record buyers who went on to catch a nasty case of affection for Sedate Rock.

But what about the surfers? How are they to blame? To put it simply, they want to listen to music around campfires on the beach while they get stoned. Which is a valid lifestyle choice, of course, and sometimes quite a pleasant thing to do! So in between catching waves and smoking joints, they started swapping tapes of Jack Johnson’s music. Jack Johnson is probably a nice guy. His music is nice. His lyrics are nice. He performs on stage wearing t-shirts and jeans. Isn’t that nice? So down to earth! BUT WHAT IS EXCITING ABOUT HIM?! Diddly squat, my friends. But hey - I didn’t mind. Diversity is nice in music, isn’t it? And stoner-surf music has it’s place. If his fans don’t seem to mind he’s playing the same song with different words each time, so be it. So Jack Johnson starts selling a crap load to surfers, which in turn led to the exposing of the Sedate Rock virus to millions more on the radio and on MTV. There was a market out there, and out came droves of Sedate Rock pushers from their verandahs and onto the charts.

In Australia, on the heels of the Jack Johnson success, came others. Pete “Would you like a sedative or a song - why not have both?” Murray arrived on the Australian charts with his tune “Feeler”. A great tune, no doubt. Lovely. He followed it on with “Lines” - not as good, but not half-bad. But then came the Sedate Rock anthem - the frustratingly dull “So Beautiful”. If listening to a beefy bloke whine slowly over a monotonous chord progression about some silly wench is your cup of tea, so be it. I personally had never heard anything more stagnant in my life. And for some bizarre reason, people loved it. It was heard constantly on radio and bars added Pete Murray to their jukeboxes where it was played almost as much as The Best Of Cold Chisel. Boozy corporate folks who popped into the pubs across the city after work selected it to show just how on the pulse they were when it came to rock. But this isn’t rock! It’s not even slow rock! It’s just slow, painfully, hurtfully slow.

Pete can write a tune - “Feeler” proved that. But he’ll need to pull out a big gun for his next single in order for me to forgive him for inflicting “So Beautiful” on me. But he’s not the only one, not by far. John Mayer also hit the Sedate Rock big time with “Your Body Is A Wonderland”. Surfers continued to buy Jack Johnson, and even managed to encourage Ben Harper to explore his bland side with “Two Hands” and “Diamonds On The Inside”. More beach bums armed with acoustic guitars came out of the woodwork and can now be seen playing their tepid brand of rock n roll in pubs across the city. They might be talented musicians but they all sound the same!

There are countless more people behind Sedate Rock that I can’t be bothered to acuse. Sedate Pop also thrives on the charts. Where’s the excitement, people? It’s nothing against acoustic stuff, or even slow music - I’m quite partial to Coldplay (though some argue they’re pioneers of Bedwetting Rock - I disagree personally) and I love Ryan Adams to bits. I can’t quite explain what makes something slow and beautiful, and what makes another song slow and banal, despite me managing to write loads on this topic in an attempt to - but to paraphrase Justice Potter Stewart’s comment regarding pornography - I can’t pinpoint exactly what makes something Sedate Rock, but I know it when I hear it. And I want it to end!

Top Three Sedate Rock Songs

Pete Murray - So Beautiful
Jack Johnson - Taylor
Dave Matthews Band - Gravedigger