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February 20, 2004

Twelve Ways To Improve Cricket

So it’s nearly the weekend, and the lazy team at ausculture.com can’t even be bothered to write an article for the punters! You know what that means, don’t you? Time for rehashed material! And who’s work is better to rehash than the lovable Kylie Minogue hating Ol Shirley?

Allow this plump morsel of cleverness to tide you over the weekend, and next week, expect to see either a beginning to the ausculture.com Un-Australian Of The Year Award idea or at the very least, a bitter and twisted rant about the hated Sydney Buses. Those fuckers. Take it away, Ollie!

Twelve Ways To Improve Cricket

I was watching the Australia vs India on the telly the other night and I started to drift off, as you often do during one-sided thrashings. Tony Greig was splurting some inane fact about cricket pads and Mark Taylor, well he was just plain terrible as always in the commentary box. Anyway, I got to thinking of twelve ways I could improve on the game of Cricket.

1. Make it hit and run. Similar to French Cricket. The matches would be over in an hour and it would keep fat bastards like Warnie fit. Would also stop guys blocking for 50 balls in a row.

2. Put obstacles on the field. Anything from deep chasms in the outfield to large wooden blocks right in the path of the bowler. This would add a fear factor to the fielding team, and also help the batting team stay in longer (see hit and run).

3. Have two bowlers at once. One bowler from each end. This way, there is a chance of spectacular collisions on the pitch and plenty of fun as the fielders scramble to retrieve two balls. Twice the chance of a run out or a catch as well.

4. Reward the crowd. Any spectator who catches a ball hit for six is granted a place fielding in the team. For a one handed catch an extra bonus of replacing the batsman who hit the six.

5. Play regardless of weather conditions. Rain, hail, sleet or snow, the game will continue and no overs will be lost. This makes for amusing accidents. This is great for new, up and coming players , allowing them to play in the national team when regular players are out with cold, flu or spinal fractures from slipping on the wet pitch.

6. Ban retirement. Great cricketers are not allowed to retire from the game any more. They continue to play until death, allowing different eras of cricket to be compared and puts and end to silly arguments like “The Don would smash todays bowlers” or “The Invincibles were the best side this country’s ever seen”.

7. Closer regulations for members. People in the member’s section would now be fined for not joining in Mexican Waves, pie and beer throwing contests or singing sea-shanties. Any member caught with a bowler hat, suit and cane will be banned from the ground for life.

8. Reduce the use of the video umpire. Any umpire that calls for a video replay and makes the wrong decision will now be impaled on the wickets for two overs. Any ball that hits the umpire will not be given out, thus combating the silly delays caused by the video umpire.

9. Increase streaking. Batsmen out for a duck will be encouraged to streak back to the pavillion. Should they see a member of the opposite sex streaking at the time they are obliged to screw them for as long as the captain of the batting team decides. Fines for fans not streaking will be increased to $500.

10. Don’t turn on the lights for night matches. This simple idea will allow for night goggles and sonar to become as familiar to the batsman as pads and gloves.When combined with point 5 , makes for interesting games.

11. Coat the ball with acid. This will remove the unsightly spectacle of bowlers scratching themselves with the ball five times an over.

12. Teach young kids to bowl Bodyline. All those brats at the Duncan Fearnley cricket camps will learn the true meaning of sportsmanship when they are belted in the head by an acid coated cricketball.

It’s just not cricket, Richie.

- Oliver Shirley