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January 29, 2004

The Rove McManus Story

Rove Barnarby Fandago McManus was born on the 21st January, 1974 in the small town of Cocklebiddy in Western Australia. This is 100% true nearly true mildly fictional… a complete fabrication. Or is it?

His Background

His mother, Alanis McManus, was renown for her ability to fanny fart on cue. She often displayed this gift for all and sundry after a few too many shandys at the Cocklebiddy Tavern. In fact, on one occasion, Alanis managed to fanny fart (note for note) “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing” by Leo Sayer, leaving her fellow patrons absolutely speechless except for the barman who managed to utter “What the…?!” in disbelief. It is believed that Rove, who at the time was nestling in his mothers ovaries, overheard the barkeep using this wondrous phrase, and made as promise to himself that once he was fertilised, born, and had entered the world of television, he would make this his catchphrase.

Meanwhile, Rove’s father Dougal was a ship rat from the Outer Hebrides of Scotland. Sent from his Scottish home to Perth for scientific testing in 1973, Rove’s father managed to escape from his cage and hitch his way to the small town of Cocklebiddy. It was there he met Alanis, who was at the time both founding the Cocklebiddy Animal Protection Society, and experimenting with LSD. Swept up by their forbidden love, the couple soon married and shortly after conceived young Rove.

His Childhood

Growing up, Rove felt different to the other children - no doubt having a Scottish rat as a father (not to mention a fanny fart-loving mother) had something to do with this. From an early age, he was a loner - unable to fit in with the rodent community, and ostracised from the human community of Cocklebiddy. Thus, much of his time was spent entertaining his drug-loving parents with various skits and one man shows. What Rove didn’t know at the time was that his parents were stoned out of their minds most of the day, and were often found laughing hysterically at pebbles, birds, linoleum and golf clubs, as well as young Rove’s performances. However, Rove spent his first few years believing he had a great comic gift, and set his sights on a career in television.

On Rove’s sixth birthday, his parents (in a rare sober moment) looked at him and noticed a resemblance to “Hey Hey It’s Saturday” star Daryl Somers, and promptly shipped him off to The Channel Nine Academy in Perth. There, Rove studied furiously subjects such as “Laughing At Ones Own Jokes”, “Arse Kissing Overseas Celebrities” and “Coping With Denise Drysdale”. Sadly, right before graduation, Rove was expelled from the Academy after being caught canoodling with guest speaker Denise Drysdale behind the school’s gymnasium one balmy summers evening. In 1992, 18 year old Rove packed his bags and moved to Victoria to begin his bid for Australian television domination - with or without the Academy’s support.

The Years Of Struggle

During his school years, Rove had researched different ways to make money whilst waiting for his big break. A new found interest in rap music in 1989 led him to believe that the easiest way to make money was to “pimp some bitches”, so Rove moved to a Victorian town called Pimpinio, which he believed would be the best place to launch his new career as a pimp daddy. Unfortunately, names can be deceiving, and Rove quickly worked out that Pimpinio, a town of only 100 people which lay 320km north west of Melbourne, was not the hustling, bustling, whoring metropolis he believed it would be. Working at the town’s panel beaters for a year and a half, Rove saved up enough money to catch a train to Melbourne, which despite a less catchy name, seemed a better location for him to reattempt his pimping business.

Arriving in Melbourne in early 1994, Rove soon realised that it was a pimp or be pimped world, and learned the hard way that a good pimp didn’t spend his own money buying ladies of the night. Broke and desperate, Rove finally agreed to become a male prostitute in the St Kilda district. His nights were spent servicing widows and disgruntled wives, and it appeared that being a man whore would be Rove’s job for life. But then, fate stepped in. While making small talk with one of his clients, he discovered she was the disgruntled wife of Daryl Somers! Rove decided this was his one chance to get out of the gigolo world he detested. He threatened to spill the beans on Mrs Somers extra curricular affairs unless she got him a job at Channel Nine. Mrs Somers couldn’t care less about Daryl discovering her secret, but she could see that this young stud could, given time, become a genuine threat to her husbands career if he was given a chance to prove himself at Channel Nine, and this filled her with great joy as she too had heard the Daryl-Jo Beth Taylor rumours. A few quick phone calls later, and Rove was given the position of Studio Lackey. Truly, Rove’s star was rising.

The Channel Nine Years

Rove was assigned to the Light Entertainment Department of Channel Nine, a remarkable stroke of luck considering that Rove had topped his Year 11 class in “Mindless Light Entertainment”. His first contact with Daryl Somers was in 1996, when Daryl asked Rove to get him a coffee - flat white, two sugars. In his nervous state, Rove forgot the order and asked for a long black with one. Upon presenting Daryl with his beverage, Rove was promptly beaten like a little bitch by Lavinia Nixon - a Hey Hey It’s Saturday regular, and also Daryl’s bodyguard. Oddly though, amidst the confusion, blood, pants wetting and tears, Daryl saw something in Rove that he liked - Daryl saw Daryl. Firing Lavinia, he hired Rove as his bodyguard, and soon after, Channel Nine staff learnt to be very afraid of this fearsome duo. People literally cowered behind pot plants when they saw the formidable Daryl sauntering through the halls, followed stealthy by his favourite lackey Rove.

And so it was, until the fateful day when Daryl received a note from Kerry Packer stating “You’re fired. Pack your gear, but leave the rat-like fucker behind. Kerry”. Tearfully, Daryl exited the building to the sound of jeers and boos from his jubilant ex co-workers. Meanwhile, Rove was summonsed to meet with the great Kerry Packer later that afternoon.

It was in this fateful meeting that Kerry asked Rove to host his own show on the Nine Network. Simultaneously, Rove cried, laughed, and came in his pants - all of which Kerry took as a sign that Rove was agreeing to his proposal. On 22 September 1999, Rove’s own show “rove” premiered on Channel Nine at 11pm, to dismal ratings. Quite frankly, Rove was terrible, and his mediocre attempt at becoming the next generation Daryl Somers offended an Australian public who had not yet even finished celebrating the demise of “Hey Hey It’s Saturday”. Kerry put out a contract on Rove’s life, but eventually feared he was over-reacting and cancelled both the contract, and the show. To really hammer home how upset he was at Rove’s dismal failure to live up to expectations, Kerry did however set Lavinia Nixon on Rove McManus. As Lavinia had harbored a deep resentment of Rove after he replaced her as Daryl’s bodyguard, she beat him to a bloodied pulp, and Rove was hospitalised for a week after the incident.

Channel Ten - A New Beginning

On December 21st 1999, the entire staff of Channel Ten were stupendously drunk at their annual Christmas party. Jokingly, those in management began making witty comments about signing Channel Nine cast-off Rove to the network. Carrying on the joke, the legal department began drawing up contracts, much to the hilarity of the rest of the staff. In response, management giggled as they signed on the dotted line, and asked bicycle courier Kenny (who was not drunk, but just naturally stupid) to send it over to Rove’s lawyers right away. Returning to the festivities, it took the Channel Ten staff over an hour before they noticed their joke contract was missing, as was Kenny. In vain, they attempted to call Kenny but alas, the courier had left his mobile sitting in a glass of cheap champagne back at the party. It was too late. What had started out as jests between friends at a work Christmas function had suddenly morphed into something much, much worse - Channel Ten had signed Rove up for five years of painful light entertainment.

The Present

Due to the water tight contract Channel Ten drew up, the Australian public are now guaranteed Rove until late 2005. His rapier sharp wit, and ability to ask the big questions to Big Brother evictees has led him to earn the respect of journalists such as Naomi Robson (Today Tonight), Ray Martin (A Current Affair) and Mike Munro (ex-A Current Affair). Perhaps one of his most hard hitting interviews was the one conducted with famously difficult guest Elmo from the TV smash “Sesame Street”. Eventually, Rove won the covetted “Best Interview With A Puppet” award from The Light Entertainment Hosts Society in 2002. In 2003, TV Week readers, a readership famous for their intelligence and decision making abilities, picked Rove as the winner of a Gold Logie for television’s night of nights - The Logie Awards. Rove is now a star, and his story proves to be an inspiration for children of rodent descent all across Australia. Posted by Jess at January 29, 2004 12:27 PM
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